


Vs. Suika the Sober

by Sutan



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Action, Comedy, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 18:04:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11788536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sutan/pseuds/Sutan
Summary: A beautiful day in Gensokyo is suddenly interrupted by an oni, immeasurable in size! Who will stop her? And who can match her in power?





	Vs. Suika the Sober

Rinnosuke stifled a yawn as he cleared away the curtains to his window. Birds chirped excitedly, and there were fairies seen frolicking about. _Another beautiful day in Gensokyo,_ he thought to himself, unlocking the door to his shop. He flipped the English sign on the front (SORRY, WE’RE CLOSED), and prepared himself once more for a day of business.

Not an hour later the store was graced by the presence of a customer, the now regular patron named Alice Margatroid. She gave him a polite smile when she entered the shop. “Good morning, Morichika-san. A pleasant day, isn’t it?”

He nodded back and returned the smile. “Hello. If you’re having trouble looking for anything, feel free to ask me.”

“I will take that to mind, thank you.” Alice looked around, and something at the back of the home appliance section immediately caught her eye. Sitting on the top of the shelf was an unremarkable piece of scrap, torn from a car wreckage found in the outside world. To anyone else, it’s no more junk than the rest of the things the store offered, but to an enterprising puppeteer like her, it was a glistening diamond buried in the rough.

_Aha,_ she went to the shelf, watching the part like a hawk, _I’ve found it._ _The final piece._ Her hand reached up to grab the scrap, but before she could obtain what she needed…

What started as a small rumble exponentiated to a semi-earthquake. Kourindou’s shelves shook violently, and the bits and pieces of its antiques crashed from where they were gathering dust.

“W-What the–” Rinnosuke barely held his balance by the counter. He adjusted his glasses in a flash of panic. “What’s going on?”

_An earthquake?_ Alice thought. The cute little doll that accompanied her, Shanghai, wandered out the window. It soon came rushing back at its owner, telling what it had seen in incomprehensible squeaks that only she could understand.

“Morichika-san,” she raised her voice amongst the shaking, “we’d best head outside.”

It became evident to them the cause of the tremors when they escaped the shop. Up on the small mountain that is the Hakurei shrine was an oni. _No,_ Rinnosuke corrected himself, fixing his glasses to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. He was not. _A giant_ oni _._

Suika Ibuki, the oni who was known to hang around the shrine, was as nearly as tall as the Youkai Mountain itself. And she was looking _miffed._

“WHO DRANK MAH BOOZE?!” She roared. The entirety of Gensokyo seemed to shake. “WHO STOLE THE BOOZE I WAS SAVING?!”

“Oh no,” Rinnosuke’s face paled. “She’s _sober._ ”

“Is that a bad thing?” His patron asked beside him.

“She’s gonna go on a rampage until she becomes satisfied! We can’t let that happen!”

“Hey, she’s walking down.”

“That direction…” Something clicked within him, and Rinnosuke found it difficult to articulate his revelation. “S-She’s going down to the human village!”

“WAHAHA!” Suika shouted, the earth seemed to groan as she hopped down the shrine’s steps. “I’M SO SOBER IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY.”

The villagers noticed her looming presence from the shrine. People came out of their homes, abandoned their shops, and stopped their day-to-day conversations, just to gape at the gigantic oni that headed their way.

“I BET Y'ALL HAVE SOME NICE BOOZE HIDDEN DOWN THERE. I’M GONNA FILL MAHSELF UP TIL YOUR STORES ARE EMPTY! THEN WE’LL SEE IF IT’S FUNNY TO DRINK SOMEONE’S STASH.”

“No!” A merchant shouted, hands on the side of his head. “She’s gonna drink my all of my sake!”

“My collection!”

“We can’t let her do that! Somebody stop her!”

“WAHAHA! DESPAIR AT YOUR INCOMING ALCOHOL REHAB!”

“Not on my watch!”

A gigantic fist of gold shot its way to the oni and punched her in the face.

“WAAAAAAH!!!” She tumbled down backwards, missing the shrine’s donation box by a hair’s breadth.

“T-That fist!” Rinnosuke gasped and traced back to the direction it had flown from. “Why, that is…!”

“WHO DID THAT?” Suika, angrier than before, stood back up. “WHO SQUARED UP?!”

A brilliant glare stung her eyes when she tried to look. Sliding down from the Youkai Mountain was a mechanical behemoth as large as herself. Its face held an unmoving expression, yet Suika could feel its penetrating gaze directed at her and her only. Even the sun was helpless as the titan’s golden frame reflected the rays off its body.

“THAT GUY…”

“I-Its name is…” Rinnosuke stammered.

 

* * *

 

 

**融合!! 熱核武神 非想天則**

**Fusion!! Thermonuclear War God Hisōtensoku**

**_第23話 - 幻想郷の酒のため(に)_ **

_**Episode 23 – For The Sake of Gensokyo** _

 

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s the Hisoutensoku!” Rinnosuke remarked audibly, his face brightening.

The mechanical giant rumbled towards Suika, unfazed by her prowess of her sobriety. The arm which was shot out like a rocket returned, and it connected with its empty joint. Thunk.

“YOU’RE THAT LIFELESS DOLL,” the oni spoke, “DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK YOU CAN STOP ME?”

“Of course,” replied a voice from the machine, amplified by its speakers. “Justice is on my side, and it will defeat you.”

“YOU CAN SPEAK NOW?” Suika frowned, which slowly morphed into a smile. “INTERESTING…”

 

Meanwhile, at a base inside of the Youkai Mountain, teams of kappa frantically worked on their consoles, reporting on the Hisoutensoku’s status.

“Nuclear output, stable!”

“Arm successfully retrieved!”

“Reactor core, operational!”

The door kicked open, and the chief manager, as well as the main designer of the giant, stepped in. “What is this?” Nitori asked to nobody in particular. She fished out a lighter from one of her lab coat’s pockets and lit the cigarette she chewed in her mouth. “The Hisoutensoku was sortied? Who gave the permission?”

“I did, Dr. Kawashiro,” replied Kanako, watching the gigantic monitor at the room’s center which displayed the giant’s status. “The oni was about to go on a rampage. I only did what was necessary.”

Nitori blew out a puff of smoke and joined beside her. “This will be a hell of a first time, then. Connect me to the operator.” She commanded her team of kappa.

At the heart of Hisoutensoku was a small room confined with vast high technology. From state of the art HD HUD to the responsive controls, the mechanical doll was the work of the sweat and tears of the kappa. The pilot sat in the middle, her eyes trained in on the oni.

“What is it, Doc?” The pilot said. “I’m about to show her the passion that burns in my heart, and what it means to mess with justice!”

“This isn’t a simulation, Okuu,” Nitori’s face popped up at the corner, “you have no combat experience. Don’t go too ballsy here, the village is right behind you.”

“I know! I got this!”

“Stay focused, she’s coming!”

“I’M GONNA WRECK YA!” Suika ran towards her with a swing.

“Whoa!” The cockpit rattled, and Utsuho fumbled for the controls.

“Four point seventy-six percent damage on face plate!”

“The Hisoutensoku is falling down!”

“An oni’s strength is not to be underestimated, Okuu.” Kanako said, watching the battle.

“Tch!”

“I’M GONNA BREAK YA!” The oni did not wait for Hisoutensoku to crash. She leaped up in the air and dove straight at the mechanical giant, aiming for an elbow strike.

“Damn you!” Utsuho yelled, then remembered her options. “Let’s see you take this to the face! _Hell Inferno!_ ”

The crimson piece of armor at its breasts was not just for show. Heat signature began to rise meteorically, and a wild conflagration blew out of the chest, lighting Suika’s head on fire.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! IT BURNS!” She landed off her mark and rolled around the plains frantically.

“Hah! Feel the power of Soku and me!” Utsuho took the moment to get up.

Suika managed to find a small lake and dipped her head inside. “AHHHH, THAT’S THE STUFF~”

“You’re wide open!” Hisoutensoku ran in for a blow at her sticking rear.

“IDIOT!” But its fist collided with nothing. At least, nothing substantial. “YA FELL FOR IT!”

“W-What the?!” Utsuho widened her eyes. “She turned into mist!?”

The purple fog which is Suika went sneaked past the giant, and she formed back to her physical form. “I’M GONNA WRESTLE YA!” Her arms came from behind and locked between Hisoutensoku’s waist, then she bent her body back and slammed it face down into the earth.

“Fuck!” Nitori slammed on a nearby kappa’s console. The operator yelped in surprise. “If this keeps up…”

“Main reactor damaged! The Hisoutensoku’s power output is dropping!”

Kanako scowled. “It seems her training hasn’t been enough. We can’t let the oni to destroy the machine.”

The kappa knew that all too well. If Hisoutensoku’s main core explodes, all of Gensokyo will have a nuclear meltdown.

“Kanako, what’s happening?” The door slid open, and a small girl wearing a funny hat hopped in on fours. “All of this noise is enough to disturb the children in hibernation.” She saw what’s happening on the main monitor. “Oh my.”

“Suwako, we have to intervene. It seems we’re better off without a pilot in the Hisoutensoku.”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“And I suppose you’d like a nuclear winter?”

“No,” Suwako smiled, “have some faith in the girl. Look.”

Suika mounted atop of the ailing giant and repeatedly smacked it in the face. Every punch broke off a piece of the face plate, and every hit dished out errors in the system. Utsuho tried to release another Hell Inferno, but the oni tore off the reactor before she could shoot.

“Chest armor destroyed! Hisoutensoku wouldn’t be able to fire the Hell Inferno!”

“Approximately fifty-percent of the head is critically damaged! The backup sensors are on!”

“YA BIG, STUPIDING LOOKING DOLL,” Suika said, continuously delivering merciless blows to the giant, “ONCE I’M DONE WITH YA, AIN’T NOBODY’S GONNA STOP ME. THEN I’M GONNA FIND OUT WHO DRANK MAH BOOZE, AND AFTER THAT–”

Her hand was stopped by a deadly grip. Hisoutensoku’s head, half of it battered beneath recognition, struggled to raise its neck.

“You bastard,” Utsuho said between clenched teeth, “I’m not done yet!”

The hand which held Suika flew out, sending it and the oni beyond the clouds.

“YA HAVEN’T LEARNED, IDIOT!” Suika transformed into mist and landed with no effort. “UWOOOHH!!” She bent downwards, her horns facing Hisoutensoku, who took the time to get back up, and charged. Utsho grunted and caught the horns with the remaining hand, but it wasn’t enough. The horns went through her grip and pierced through the Hisoutensoku’s stomach.

“S-She poked through Soku’s belly!”

“Damn it,” Nitori shook her head. “It seems not even Super Kappalloy Z, found only on the Mountain, can match an oni’s horns.” She huffed on her cigarette one more time before tossing it out and grinding it with her foot. “Okuu, can you hear me?”

“What is it, Doc? I’m trying to hold her back here!”

“The Hisoutensoku was more weapons. I’m removing the seal now.”

“What? Why haven’t you told me before?”

Kanako got on the mic. “Because we wanted to see if we were making the right choice, selecting you as the pilot. Now get out there and fight!”

“Heh,” Utsuho grinned, “don’t worry, I wouldn’t get her take one step to the village!”

The goddess sighed. Suwako watched her with a knowing smile. “Sure reminds you when you were young, huh?”

“Don’t make me regret my decision, Suwako. Nitori, do it.”

The kappa nodded. She forcibly removed an operator from her station and took over her console, which then typed with a controlled blitz, overwriting the restrictions placed on the nuclear-powered giant when it was still in development. “There, Okuu. Now it’s time to use _that._ ”

Utsuho was struggling to hold the oni. She was getting pushed back towards the human village.

_“That?”_

“That’s right. The Hisoutensoku was installed with anti-oni measures. In fact, it is named…”

A new button popped up right next to Utsuho’s controls. She slammed it without hesitation.

“…the VEGAN system!!”

Panels opened all over the Hisoutensoku’s body, and thousands of Vitamin-rich Extra Gluten-free All-range Natural Beans™, released from their hatches. They homed onto Suika simultaneously, allowing zero room for evasion.

“H-HEY, WAIT A MINUTE,” she blinked absentmindedly at the sight, “ARE THOSE…”

“Beans!” Utsuho answered, getting the most excited about beans in her life. “Here, take them! They’re all natural!”

Suika turn to mist, but the beans detonated before reaching her, allowing the GMO-free explosions riddle with her new form, damaging her essence. Having realized the dangers posed by these superfoods, she turned back to her physical body, now burdened with her nauseating vulnerability to beans.

“Okuu! Now that she’s disoriented!”

“I know!” Hisoutensoku caught the oni and with all of its might, tossed it once again into the air. This time, however, it followed with a powerful jump. “This chest of mine burns with rage!” Utsuho yelled passionately through her speakers. “The almighty Yagatarasu is telling me to make you burn in Hell! Finishing move! _Atomic…_ ”

Hisoutensoku grabbed the oni by her neck, creating an inescapable lock.

**“BREAKDOWN!!!”**

Hisoutensoku crashed back to the earth with the oni, body slamming Suika into the ground. A gigantic shockwave in the shape of a mushroom cloud filled the vicinity, and when the dust was settled, only one silhouette was left standing. Small surges of electricity jumped out of its damaged systems, but it had prevailed. Hisoutensoku raised the stub of its arm and became one again with the returning rocket hand, thunk, as the smoke clears.

Suika, utterly unconscious as marked by the shape of her eyes (Xs), disappeared with a colorful explosion, because that’s what happens when bosses are defeated in the games, damn it.

 

 

* * *

 

Later, after making the earth croak out its last groans of the day, the mechanical behemoth limped back to the Youkai Mountain.

“What the fuck was going on out there?” Out from a dango shop stood a disgruntled Reimu. “Can’t a miko get some peace on her day off?”

“There was an oni,” the old storekeeper said, leaning on his cane. “It tried to attack the village, but a titan of gold appeared and stopped it with its might.”

Reimu gave him a funny look and went back to the shop. She chugged down the last bottle of fermented wine she found growing beneath her shrine and leaned against the table. “An oni, huh. Wonder what was it doing.”

“'The staunch protector of Gensokyo’, they say,” a familiar voice entered the shop. “You should have seen it in action, miko.”

“Ain’t you that magician who lives next to Marisa?” Reimu raised an eyebrow. “What do you want?”

“Good evening to you, as well.” She glanced at the table behind her. “Hmph, keep slacking off and you might find your job stolen by a machine.”

“How about you mind your business? I do what I want on my day off.” She grabbed the bottle of wine and tried to drink from it. When she found out it’s empty she nonchalantly tossed it in the back. “Besides, that thing’s pretty convenient. Takes care of the trash while I’m gone.”

The Seven Colored Puppeteer turned and made for the exit.

“We’ll see about that.”

Reimu raised an eyebrow. She did not happen to see the sinster smile hanging on her face.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**次回 融合!! 熱核武神 非想天則:**

**Next time on Fusion!! Thermonuclear War God Hisōtensoku:**

 

“W-What’s with that giant doll?!”

“You’re still inexperienced, Okuu.”

“I’ll show you! I’ll show you what I’m capable of!”

“Finally, an even match. We shall see which of our dolls is stronger.”

 

_**第23話 - ゴリアテ人形, SHOWTIME!!** _

_**Episode 24 - Goliath Doll, SHOWTIME!!** _

 

**Brought to you by ZUNrise**


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